Sometimes I write to you all because I feel I have something to offer. Words of encouragement or wisdom. Maybe even just an experience I had that might spare you some sleepless nights. But today I'm going to write simply because I need to. Because here it is safe and here it is welcomed.
I'm feeling fickle today. My thoughts are literally everywhere, making it impossible to know what decisions to land on. Am I happy with things? Am I angry that they aren't different? One day, I am certain, and the next I have other sentiments in mind. I am excitable and hopeful one minute when suddenly I can't remember how that feeling was even possible.
I don't like to feel fickle. It feels like poison. Especially when my fickle behaviors are emotions within my heart and not just daily actions.
Sometimes it feels like every emotion is exactly the opposite of the first:
I hate money. I need money.
I see goodness in others. I mistrust their intentions.
I am determined to be supportive. I want to run far away.
I welcome uncertainty, struggle and change. I cry because all I want is stability and things to feel normal!
I embrace a life of adventure. I miss my family and friends and that feeling of home.
I trust in God and have faith in this path. I'm not sure if he's really watching over me.
So is it my heart that's fickle? Or do my thoughts get in the way? Am I still holding on too tight? Do I just need to let go?
It's interesting because on a day like today where it may seem challenging and uncertain, I actually have a lot of gratitude. I don't want to ignore these things. They are what makes me who I am. They are what help me grow. Sometimes conflict inside ourselves is exactly what we need to understand a little better of what makes us happy.
I don't have answers to my questions above right now. But I'm not afraid to ask them and I don't fear that the answers won't come. My heart will decide with patience and time. And I'm willing to endure some tears and fears if what is best for me comes out in the end. There's not sense in forcing decisions on ourselves if they are not right for us.
Thanks for being a supportive audience to even the most personal posts. BPositive. BFree has become a garden of growing thoughts, ideas and feelings. For that I am truly grateful.
BPositive and BOk with How You're Feeling No Matter What!