A Mish Mash of Thoughts

I am happy to be growing and learning today... that's what I live for, that's why I am here.

Do you ever get really overwhelmed and not realize it is happening? Like suddenly there are too many thoughts in your head and emotions welling up inside. They're not bad ones necessarily but overwhelming none the less.

I woke up this morning so tired. I got a normal amount of sleep and have been feeling pretty good. But today I just felt "sleepy." I wanted to say in bed all day and be cozy and indulge in the sleepiness. I think so many things are happening (even the exciting things) that it's hard to process and suddenly I'm feeling bogged down. Hence the sleepiness :)

The blog for example, has been such an exciting part of life lately. A place where I can create, write, share, and let loose a little. But at the same time, I have so much I want to write about, so many ideas, I just feel like I'm going to explode today! I don't know where to start or what the right words are...

So today I will take a step back, fill you in, and recoup so I can get my bearings back again :)

I'll start with why it is we sometimes decide not to move forward with something that is important or even exciting. I'm experiencing this today because I want badly to move forward with my post about Afghanistan, but the puzzle pieces weren't coming together as I expected.

If I'm very very honest with you all, I'm feeling a little embarrassed and uncomfortable at the moment. I read an article last week that really moved me and decided to write to the author to get his help with the blog. I think in my haste and excitement I jumped to many conclusions and realized that it was not what I expected. I asked all the wrong questions and just ended up feeling embarrassed and scared to propel forward.

So last night, A and I are watching a movie and I just couldn't get into it. This was bothering me so much. I felt like I was ignorant for asking the wrong questions and jumping to conclusions before even getting to know this author. In my discussion with A, I realized a few things:

1. This is a learning process. I am trying this out for the first time and it's important that it doesn't always go as planned because then how would I change and grow and become a better writer?

2. Even though I asked questions that were not pertinent to the author of the article, it still sparked a conversation with him and I now know more about him as a person (even the way he deals with questions that don't even apply to him!!)

3. Most importantly, I've realized that maybe there isn't a formula to all of this. There are no right words. Even if the author couldn't help me on my journey to learning about Afghanistan, he sure can be the expert on where he comes from and what he knows! And isn't that the point? To learn about people? All people?


So R... I hope very much that you don't mind being my first try at something new.

I'm also realizing that even though I am excited about all of this, I am also scared. Scared to ask the wrong questions. Scared I might offend someone. Scared that people won't want to talk to me. Scared that the intentions of this blog will not always come off as positive. My fears were confirmed by my reaction to R's e mail. It made me want to crawl in a hole with embarrassment. But it's those moments where we have to stand strong and go back out there and figure out why we feel that way. I plan on writing back to R's just to keep our conversation going. He's a really amazing person.

My fear is what could ultimately stop me from learning about people.  Fear is what lies deep beneath the hate and anger we see in the world. I don't accept fear because I think there are ways to change it. I don't plan on letting fear stop me from learning about the world. In fact it's learning about the world that will essentially eliminate the fear. And without fear there is not need to hate and judge. It's a pretty cool circle.


One last anecdote for the morning... I had an interesting experience this morning on my run. As I was running along, almost home, a pick up truck turned a corner just as I crossed the street. And the man in the driver seat was yelling at someone, cursing loudly. It really caught me off guard and startled me some. What amazed me the most was my reaction. I isolated his anger and reminded myself that the anger was his, and his only. It had nothing to do with me and therefore there was no reason to be angry back. Instead I decided to smile and wave at the next cars that came my way. And sure enough two of them smiled and waved at me before I could even get my hand up! It was a cool experience because I felt like the positivity that I was putting out was having an effect and hopefully the man who was angry got a dose of it as well. It was interesting to see how easily I brushed that moment off. Even just a few months ago, when people would honk at me and startle me while I was running, I would get very angry and hold on to that anger even for several minutes afterward. I remember wanting to blog about! I'm so glad I didn't! Why put that out there for more people to have to deal with.

I feel as though this blog has gone all over the place today. But I am really thankful for this space to write and free my mind. It's been so full lately and as soon as I let off the pressure to be perfect and write exactly what I thought the next post should be, I felt this huge weight lifted. I feel quite peaceful right now and ready to start my day.

The reality is that even if things don't go exactly the way they are supposed to, there is always a new direction and possibly even a more positive outcome.

Stay tuned....

BPositive and BFree!

Love,
B