Are you ever holding on so tight that you realize you're not taking time to take deep breaths? Tightening your chest to the point that it feels tired and achy at the end of the day? It's exhausting when you're gripping your actions with ferocity and vigor. Sometimes you just have to let go...
While chatting with my cousin R yesterday, I was feeling a little down. She's getting ready to travel to the U.S from London on a big trip and due to some circumstances on my end, I may not get a chance to travel to see her where she will be visiting. "I'm freaking out," I told her. "I hate this." I felt her sympathy even through the text on the phone and she told me "It's all going to work out okay. It always does."
These words really soothed me. I felt comforted and it reminded me, that things do really work out okay in the end. Maybe they won't happen exactly the way I expect them to, but they work out. Some how. Some way...
But it's just so hard to let go sometimes. We want so badly to control and manipulate the outcomes. But maybe the outcome is not supposed to be what we force it to be. My mother-in-law has a saying: "Let Go and Let God. She often tells this to my husband when he's trying to hard to make things perfect in our lives. When he's searching for his purpose and feeling unsuccessful. I always liked this saying of hers but never really took the time to let it settle into my heart.
So here I sit typing. I'm struggling to let go but I know that I must. I have to let go and let God and open up my heart to all the possibilities and not just the outcome that I prefer.
So today I meditated on the words SURRENDER and LET GO. I ask, I want, and I believe (sort of) but ultimately I control, control, control. And that's not really believing or trusting God is it?
I know what my heart wants. I know what I am capable of doing. I also know that my expectations are often so high that even I can't live up to them.
The important part of letting go of my pursuit is to know what my heart wants, believe that the outcome is exactly what it is supposed to be and trust that even if the outcome is hard or not what I expected, I have love and support internally to remind me that I still have a lot to be thankful for. The actions will present themselves to me. The right actions. Not the forced ones.
My friend B is such a good example of this. I know she won't mind me talking a little bit about her story because she is a beautiful person with incredible strength.
B has overcome many obstacles. Obstacles that have made her stronger. But she still faces things that she wish she were no longer dealing with. She is in the midst of studying in a program that she no longer has great passion for. There were high expectations of this program and what the outcome would ultimately be. And as the end nears closer, she wonders if her dreams in life are in any way related to all this time, effort and money that she dedicated to the program. It's frustrating for her and sometimes she has regrets. But when we talk about it she is often able to find peace with this current journey she is taking. She has a freedom and a right to look into her heart and see the ways that this program got her exactly to where she is right now; stronger, braver and more adventurous. She's become a person who is not afraid to travel, live alone in an unfamiliar place, take risks that most people could never understand, and put faith in the fact that paths will be illuminated to her. Probably unexpected and exciting paths. Maybe even scary paths. But paths nonetheless.
She once quoted to me (B loves quotes!):
"In a serene Bright, in a more golden Light, I see each little doubt and fear, each little discord here Removed". -Emily Dickinson
I like this quote because sometimes we are able to really pin point every single doubt and fear we have about our current path. We tend to have a heightened sense to these fears and doubts and we look to find truth in them from our surroundings. We try and confirm them and buy into them so that we don't have to follow through. Because it's just easier to quit sometimes. But I think if we really want to give the path we are on a fair shot, even if it's an nontraditional path, we have to let go of those fears, let go of our expectations and let the help of others and God support us.
B really inspires me. She is a good example of someone who has a lot to deal with and a lot to let go of. And letting go is a challenge every single day. But she does it and she moves forward on this bumpy path. And when we step outside of the situation we can see how far she has come! I personally know what she has deep down in her heart and I have had the blessing to watch her grow into the person she is right now. I think that's what is so beautiful about life...we don't live it alone and we get to experience each others journeys.
So as I meditate on my new concepts, SURRENDER and LET GO I have some new clarity of how all this is supposed to work. When I'm controlling my path, I feel constricted, anxious and worried all the time. But when I let go of hard expectations, disappointments and fear, I realize that the worst of the worst really isn't that bad. And I am able to receive things that otherwise I have difficulty seeing! Sometimes a new path opens up even when I'm not looking for one. I love that part of life. It's so exciting and keeps everything new. Who am I to control things anyway??
Today I just want to let life happen and take it as it comes :)
BPositive and BFree from Control!