I can't lie to you readers. This blog right now is for me. I took an oath that I would do this many months ago and I have avoided it in every way possible. I write in my journal so why do I have to write here? What do I have to say that will possibly matter to anyone else. But that's why I'm doing it. My esteem is low and it's not pretty....In fact it's down right ugly!
Of course my inner ugliness is showing in my complexion and it is certainly showing in the scowl I wake up with on my face. But that's not even the "ugly" I'm talking about. The "ugliness" I'm referring to, I can feel inside my heart. It plays games with my stomach and penetrates my thoughts. It affects how I treat people around me and temporarily creates a Monster! It's a green, slimy, angry, monster that takes away your ability to put forth your best self. Thankfully, there is a cure. Now I'm no expert. I've had my ugliest moments yet just recently in my life but I have some thoughts for anyone who feels overcome by their ugly monster!
How to beat the Ugly Monster:
1. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. You need all the support you can get, particularly from yourself!
This first one was some sound advice from my husband this morning. He recognized that I have been feeling down and has been quite supportive and patient with all of my emotions. He told me that when you are struggling with something (work, health, relationships, finances etc) and you are feeling the weight of it all on your shoulders, you don't have to be angry with yourself for feeling unhappy. The unhappiness is enough without making yourself feel guilty about feeling that way! So don't feel guilty about being sad or lonely or scared. Embrace the sad and the lonely and the scared and take ownership of feeling that way. I thought this advice was just beautiful and it definitely knocked the monster unconscious for a while.
2. Make a list everyday. Not a To-Do list but a What-I-Did List
Write out what you did that day to battle your struggles and see on paper just how much you accomplished! I'll add a picture of my list to the blog. I used the back of a cereal box that I cut up because I like to recycle what I have and not use brand new paper! (Hint: If you use sharpies of lots of different colors and hang these lists on the wall, it really brightens up your house and will certainly leave you feeling a little more cheerful! Maybe it's just me but colored sharpies always make me feel cheerful...)
3. Find someone who understands what it means to have an "ugly" day
I always knew what this feeling was but struggled to name it. That was until I had a really good talk with my best friend M. She's a beautiful person inside and out but she knows what it's like to feel ugly. And while it's a bit presumptuous to claim that we coined this term, I like to think that it's something we both fully comprehend. Find a friend like my friend M who gets this!! And if you don't know anyone like this, talk to me!
So, I must admit that my first blog is a little rambling. And since I am a perfectionist it is killing me not to just edit the crap out of this and make it sound more professional, more enlightening, and more sophisticated. But right now I don't feel enlightened or sophisticated! I feel frustrated and scared and lonely and ugly! And as I am feeling this way I take my husbands advice: I will not make myself feel guilty for being in this funk, I have written my list for the day and I feel proud that even in my funk I made efforts to combat it (I'm actually writing my first blog ever on a day where I feel downright lost), and believe me, M will be getting a long e mail after I've posted this blog!
Thanks for tuning in today. Be aware of how you're feeling today. And if you're feeling ugly it's ok!!! It has nothing to do with the genes your parents gave you and it has nothing to do with what a wonderful person you are... sometimes life is hard and that's ok. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having a hard time. Especially you!