Sunday, August 31, 2014

At The Speed Of Life

I was thinking about the ebbs and flow of friendship this morning. Some paths diverge while others find a new common road and become in sync travel companions. My natural instinct is to "fix" the relationship that seems to be off kilter. But does it really need fixing? Or does it just need love, compassion and a little bit of time and understanding. Maybe the divergent paths are critical to longterm success of the friendship. And maybe the space that these separate roads bring us are just the fresh air we need to breathe.

Life in general feels like continual forks in the road lately. Some days I can't believe how efficient and accomplished I travel through my day. Other times I cannot understand who that super woman was soaring through the air.

I haven't however, been reprimanding myself for hanging up my super hero suit. Because life has a million different settings from, knitting on the couch all day to working 12 hours and still finding time to workout, make dinner, and not be too tired to give yourself a pat on the back. And while, the overachiever in me does enjoy the days of great "success," I am starting to understand that success comes from the slower settings as well.

I was collaging in a journal one evening, trying to find some understanding of my unrest. It was a Friday night. I felt a little queasy and exhausted from being in my first trimester still, and I bailed on a good friend to go home and sit in my own sort of misery to rest, but I simply couldn't. I felt guilty for not going out, I felt lazy for considering the option of watching TV, and I felt ugly and tired and fidgety. I gave myself a spiritual task for the night to try and find some answers. Based on a previous project I participated in, I was to find words and/or images that provide a name for my current path. "She was being true to herself," was the first phrase that made an impact, and more strongly even was "at the speed of life." Together they really spoke to me about what was happening inside. When I was feeling unrest and discomfort I needed to ask myself if I was really being true to my self, but also be kind to myself about the speed at which I was living.

I love a phrase that has a different meaning everything single day, and maybe even throughout the same day. It was a reminder to look at my needs for the day and go at that speed. It helped me be more patient with myself and took away the guilt of taking what I needed.

I look at this collaged phrase often because I tend to be hard on myself when I'm not wearing the so called super hero suit. I try to be mindful and tell myself to wear whatever suit I need to that day. Even on days where it feels like I don't have a choice (a work day, a travel day, a bill paying day) I remember that I do have a choice. I can take these actions at a speed that works for me internally and not allow the tasks around me to determine how I react.

I write about this today because I think today needs to flow at whatever speed we need it to and that includes the chores, the fun activities, the family time, friendships, and anything else that may be pulling us in a million different directions. Have some patience and know that the life you are living today is the absolute perfect speed. It is your current speed of life.

BPositive and BFree!


Sunday, August 10, 2014

A Very Merry UnBirthday

I've missed blogging. I've missed sharing a piece if myself and having a space for all the things I think are beautiful. I haven't been hiding. I've been living. Just like I was living while I was blogging. But today I just missed it so here I am. I am blogging again on August 10th, the day after my 29th birthday.

This morning I am knitting. And knitting always gets me thinking. It's so methodical and meditative. It's hard not to let my thoughts wander...

...maybe I should get back on my blog...maybe I should revamp  my blog...maybe I should call my mom...or paint another flower pot for my front my vitamin making me sick?...I feel a little nauseous..or maybe I'm just hungry...Pregnancy leaves me feeling so strange sometimes...but I'm so happy to be pregnant...I'm so hopeful about the future...I'm also scared, but today I feel more hopeful...I'm content right now...just keep smiling and knitting and let your mind wander...maybe just write some of this down...

On my front porch I can watch people of all walks of life go by. A couple with their Pomeranian sitting up on the man's shoulders arguing about something loudly, a teenage boy with a scowl on his face who did not return my hello, and my neighbor on her bike all pass my little viewing spot. A hopeful hint of a breeze, not quite cool but somehow refreshing on this August day passes through my prayer flags and wind chimes. I take a deep breath and feel so thankful for the slow southern life I've been given. People drive too fast down my road and I have to remind myself not to feel anger. This is a peaceful moment and I can decide what I want it to be. My neighbors cats circle the area, too skittish to let me near them but they make me smile none the less. I love the life they bring to my neighborhood. My front porch is just my little observation deck.

As I mentioned earlier, it's the day after my 29th birthday. My UnBirthday as A referred to it this morning lovingly. I'm excited to start the second day of my 29th year, sitting on my porch this morning enjoying this moment, knitting (and typing) to the Avett Brothers singing melodically in the background. Birthdays are certainly an opportunity for celebration and an outpour of love and support from family and friends. But really, as it turns out UnBirthdays are just as important, more important even. They are the 364 other days, the every days, that we live our lives. My 29th birthday was filled with magical wishes and so much love. But today feels remarkably magical too. A slower and more reflective kind of day. With knitting needs in hand, and august sweat beads starting to form, I will turn my focus to the present and say thank you for all I have.

 It is a very, special UnBirthday indeed.

How will you spend your UnBirthday today?

BPositive and BFree